Ex-Pats

Medellín, Colombia

I had decided to spend my last two weeks abroad in Medellín, Colombia. The weather there was perfect. The food was cheap. And it had a casino that a card player had recommended to me in Lima where I could play poker tournaments.

I was tired of hostel life, so instead I got an AirBnB. It was a private room in a fancy cliffside apartment with a fantastic view of the city. The internet was fast and the shower was hot. It sounded like a good idea.

There was one other guest in the apartment. Our hosts were Denis - an American bro with neck and face tattoos - and his Colombian girlfriend Dani.

I only went on one outing with the household. We picked Dani up from her hostel job and went out for a cheap lunch. Afterwards, Denis lost his bank card and had Dani give him all her tips for the week so he could buy tobacco for his vaporizer. That was heartbreaking to watch.

The apartment itself had several issues.

My room was cold at night, so I had to sleep in jeans and a hoodie the first couple nights. Then I went out and bought a blanket.

I stomped on a two-inch long cockroach, which did not kill it but seemed to annoy it. On another occasion an exterminator dropped by to spray for roaches.

The kitchen was filthy. You'd open a cupboard and be greeted by random junk and the smell of vomit. The kitchen was also massively understocked. No butter knives, one cutting knife, one kettle, one frying pan.

The space beneath the sink was crammed with empty liquor bottles.

There was no toilet brush.

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Denis did hook me up with an ex-pat poker game to play though. One Wednesday night I hiked over to Marvelous Marv's apartment and played a 200k peso buyin cash game.

Marv's apartment was gorgeous. All the floors, ceilings, and walls were covered in custom paintings - dolphins and whales and whatnot. Colored lights. Huge bathroom.

The company however I found sickening. All the other players were business men of some variety.

Marv was a middle-aged real estate developer and probably the wealthiest of the bunch. He spent a lot of time bragging about the quality of the prostitutes he'd fucked and sharing photos.

Another guy owned a furniture shop and some clothing business. He wanted to get a poker game going in his furniture store. There was some discussion about local girls he could hire to serve drinks topless and give massages to the players.

Two other guys did something with the medical tourism industry. Apparently there's a thriving plastic surgery industry in Medellín. Americans fly in and get a classy resort experience plus a boob job for the same price of just a boob job back home.

Sadly I think all of this is pretty typical of the ex-pat scene in Medellín. Instead of being the murder capital of the world, it's now the sex tourism capital of the world. All these Americans are flocking there for the perfect weather and cheap sex. Which makes it easier to find a bar showing American football, but also easier to find a douchey American who watches American football.

I crushed the poker game. I left up $600k (a little more than $200 USD).

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The following night I received a text from Denis asking if I could help out with the electric bill. I declined.

The morning after that I fled the apartment early in the morning and moved into a hostel I had stayed at during my previous visit to Medellín.