How Not To Hike A Mountain

Oaxaca, Mexico

I have a particular talent for doing it wrong and getting away with it. In Oaxaca I put my peculiar skill set to the test by following an internet post to a small town and from there attempting to hike up a mountain.

The taxi to San Andrés Huayapam went smoothly. The driver dropped me off at a church, and I walked through the tiny town towards a street which I had read would lead me to a trail. On the way I stopped at the dinkiest of cafes and bought a bowl of cereal, fruit, and a coffee for $1. A little girl eating a popsicle made faces at me while I ate. I made faces right back. The day was off to a good start.

I made it about half a kilometer up the road before I made my first wrong turn. It was a fork in the road where one way led upward and the other rightward. I guessed upward. Fifteen minutes later a shiny white pickup full of police flagged me down. Not only was this the wrong trail, but also I needed permission to be on the mountain. They offered to take me to the local government office where I could pay a small fee to hike the mountain.

The government office was a one-story ranch tucked away on a back street I would never have found on my own. Outside on a basketball court, a dozen schoolgirls in plaid skirts and white shirts appeared to be practicing military drills, marching around in formation and whatnot. They couldn't have been more than 12 years old. I didn't ask.

Inside the office a sole employee of the state had a desk in a large homey room. I had a hell of a time understanding what he was saying to me. We arrived at me paying 30 pesos ($1.50) for piece of paper that said I could hike the mountain without too much trouble. We really struggled to get to a point where I could tell him that no, I did not know where the stone corral was. His final point had something to do with a machine but after a few minutes he gave up on trying to explain and took me outside to show me.

Here he summoned two men who turned out to be city employees as well and they led me to a bobcat, which I was then encouraged to climb aboard. There were no seats, par se, so instead I hung off the side and held onto a bar.

First we drove to a little tienda where the driver bought a shitload of bananas and encouraged me to do likewise. I purchased only two. He also bought a bunch of white stuff that looked like raw dough. Not sure what that was. Then we started driving up the mountain.

I had no idea what the plan was. I was hanging off the side of a bobcat driving up a mountain with two Mexican guys. At first I thought maybe they were driving me all the way to the top. I tried asking, with poor results.

Turned out these guys worked on the mountain trying to keep the road clear. They dropped me off on the road after a few forks that doubtless would have stumped me. They told me that from this point there was only one road for many, many miles. Then they drove on without me and left me to hike up.

One thing about hikes up random mountains is that the mosquitos are a lot more friendly than those at tourist destinations. I had repellent on but the mosquitos did not take much offense. Periodically I would wave my black baseball hat around my head, trying to impress on them that I wanted alone time. They pretty much got the picture with that, but soon their buddies would show up and we'd have to go over it all again.

I don't have much to say about the hike. It was pretty. It was tall. I like hiking up pretty tall things.

Eventually I passed the workers who were working on clearing away a rock slide. I asked them how far the trail went. They led me to believe that it never really stopped. Hay mas pueblitos, sabes.

I had a soft deadline of 1pm to turn back, as I was hoping to make it off the mountain by 3pm when the rain typically started. Right around 1pm I reached what appeared to be the top of some mountain and found an abandoned cabin. Which seemed like a good place to sit down eat a banana. So I did.

The way back down was rough. By the time I reached San Andrés Huayapac I was waddling and my legs were screaming at me. I bought a coke and sat down under an awning waiting for a taxi as the rain arrived. I had walked 12 miles and climbed 3,000 feet in about 6 hours. And that is what I call doing it wrong and getting away with it.